And then, it hits me...

It's been awhile since my last post.  School had it's way with me, and didn't even give me a reach around and here I am, left laying in the bed unsatisfied.  Okay, so maybe that was a bit over dramatic...

The point is, here I am, another semester down the tubes of my life that I will never get back, and I seem to be getting further and further from my goal the more I work at it.  It seems like, every semester, without fail, I find a class I have overlooked and need to take in order to complete my AA.  It's so frustrating.

And when I get frustrated, I get down.  I try not to, but it's difficult.  Here, every one around me is graduating and moving on to wonderful careers and making the money I want to.  And what am I doing?  Sitting at home, waiting for my supervisor to call me and give me hours so I can support my family.

Needless to say, this has put a stop to the whole "book" aspect of my life, and I have thrown myself, full throttle, into finding a stable job.  I hate this.  What can I do though, right?  Apply.  I have.  I get no calls because my resume doesn't say "AA" or "BA".  Even though I am fully qualified.

And what really cheeses me off is that I know, for a fact, that the jobs I have interviewed for should have been mine, but they aren't because of my size.  I know, I know, it sounds horrible, but it's true.  I can see the looks on their faces when I walk in and it's horrible.  I've tried everything I can and it didn't work, so now I've just given up on my weight issues.  And all the rest of the issues too.  F*ck it all.  Who cares?!  >sigh<

It's kind of difficult to do anything when you are constantly in pain.  Makes it just a wee bit difficult to move around when you can't take anything for the pain and the Motrin is no help at all.  The thyroid is not an issue, my levels are normal.  I'm having excruciating pain in my muscles and joints.  I need to see a doctor.

I need to fix myself.

It's official, I'm old

I've noticed a shift in my thinking as of late, and it's kind of concerning.

I've been noticing how dry my skin is, small wrinkles here and there, and an affinity for oil burners...this is the beginning of getting old.  The other day I bought my first bottle of Oil of Olay...my mom uses that...  >facepalm<

Beside the whole "getting old" trend, I've noticed a little more depression creeping over me, and I had to take notice.  I mean, I have no hours at work since they shut down the shelter I was working at, and sure, that can cause a little depression, but this is almost fall down exhausted depressed.  I've also gained about 40 pounds in the past 6 months since having the baby.  Then I noticed my legs and joints are hurting again. 

...shit...

I forgot to have my thyroid checked after having the baby...

My thyroid is off, I can feel it.  The swollen throat, the soreness in my joints, the memory loss, the weight gain, moodiness, everything...oh yes, it's off alright.

The big thing that sucks is, when you put on "thyroid weight", it's ten times harder to lose than if you just ate yourself into it.  Grrr!

Btw, here's some pictures to make your day...

I heart Paula Deen at 5:30am

First of all, I am up way too early.  My eyes cracked open and looked at the clock at 4:30 and, as of 5am, I gave up the fight to try and go back to sleep, and made coffee instead. 

This is what happens when I work graveyards.  I spend Monday through Friday go, go, going and then Saturday I sleep from the time I get home, around 9:30am, and then wake up at 7pm.  By this time, the kids are winding down for bed and The Husband is about to crash out in bed.  But not me, I'm wide awake and ready to go!  I take the kids and get them started on their bedtime routines, baths, pjs, one last tv show, a feeding, medicines, etc.  Then the kids are in bed sounds asleep.  Mostly because the doctor has them on medicine that knocks them out because they are both sick. 

So, the kids are in bed...

The Husband is in bed...

This is no fun.

So I resign myself to going back to bed with The Husband and snuggling with him because I've missed doing that for a week.  Snuggling leads to sleep.  We're old people with two kids, so yes, snuggling leads to snoring, damn young kids!

That is why I'm awake at this ungodly hour.  When nothing is on television but infomercials, reruns of how-to shows and Fox News, because that's always on...  But thank God for Food Network and their reruns of Paula Deen!  I heart Paula Deen.  Simple.  She's like my Momma, actually.  They both cook, talk, act and have very similar mannerisms. 

Imagine growing up in a home with a Southern mom who cooked enough for an army, was kinda pervy but in a secret not-that-kids-will-get-it way, and always cooked a good meal, even if she worked her butt off for 12 hours as a nurse.  Yes, that was my Momma.  Now she cooks all healthy because my Daddy had a stroke and he has to keep his weight down, but I still think of my Momma as the cooking Momma of my childhood.

So, as you can imagine, when I watch Paula Deen, it's like sitting in the kitchen with my Momma.  I've thought about writing Paula Deen and telling her this, but she probably has enough crazy people writing her as it is.

So, speaking of which, have you guys seen the latest meme about Paula Deen?  Let me show you...

 

Yes, that up there is Paula Deen riding things, and it is one of the latest memes on the internet.  It originally stemmed from this encounter with Robert Irvine...

Ah Paula, you make my heart sing!  You can find some images of Paula Deen riding things here.  Or just search google like I did.  Hilarity WILL ensue.

So, where was I?  Oh yes, so it's entirely too early and I am entirely too caffeinated right now and this post went off in a completely odd direction from where it was supposed to go, but at least it's here, right?

I've decided that I am taking this blog too seriously, when I read through my previous posts, I noticed that I sounded like I was talking to a business colleague and trying to write a book in blog form.  This should not be.  Instead, I am going to change this banter, and use this blog to talk.  Because this was originally not meant to be "businessy", it was meant to document my walk through writing a book.  And it is, but now perhaps it can be a little easier to digest, now that I am talking to you guys and not talking at you guys.

The change was brought along by this wonderful blogger I found, named Allie.  I heart Hyperbole and a Half.  I heart this Allie girl.  But I will probably never tell her.  lol.  Probably.  I was inspired by her openness and willingness to lay it all out there.  Thank you, Allie.

Well, I had better get off to cleaning the house so the girls and I can make tutus!  Because today is prime tutu making weather! 

Want to make a tutu too too?  lol!  No.  That was too silly.  Here's a video!

Such is life

This past week and a half or so has been full of excitement!  Or, in other words, I've been extremely more busy than normal, which is why no update as of recent.

First of all, this month is the last month I'll be working a full time schedule, since the shelter site I have been working graveyard shift at is closing as of the 31st.  Sucks that I won't have a steady income, but I've already had several interviews at different places, and hopefully someone bites soon, or I may have to resort to selling my body parts on the black market. 

Anyone need a slightly used kidney?

I've been shirking my responsibilities at school by not keeping up on my homework.  Why?  I don't know, maybe because I am choosing sleep over study?  Maybe?  So the last night or so I have been in a mad dash to try and make some of the homework up, not to mention study for two quizzes that are due online in two days.  But it'll happen, I'm not worried about that.

Lastly, I don't want to say it, but my ideas and creative flow has taken a flop.  Simply because I am topsy turvy with my schedule right now and just a little more than stressed out.  I mean, in between everything that's happening, I have to try and find another job, do interviews, etc.  On top of all this, the car has decided it's going to act up. 

::sigh::

But that's okay...

On the home front, Katie has an appointment with an optometrist on Monday to have an exam done for glasses.  She's been begging for glasses forever, so dad bought her some "fake" ones with glass lenses to get her used to them...let's just say her initial excitement about glasses has worn off and is now replaced with the fear of "you mean I have to wear these all the time?"  Yeah kiddo, that's pretty much the drill...::hugs::

Along with the glasses appointment, we have had to schedule an appointment with a dermatologist for Katie.  Without getting too scary, I'll try to explain.  Katie has had a mole on her tummy since she was born, over the past year or so the mole has gotten bigger, darker, changed shape and is now raised quite a bit.  Katie also says it hurts on occasion.  So, naturally, her pediatrician is concerned that it may be melanoma and wants to possibly have a biopsy done to rule out any cancer possibility.  We're all pretty scared, but taking it in stride.  Skin cancer does run on my side of the family, so it's concerning to hear that my daughter has to go through this.  We're praying for the best.

So, brief update done, better get back to hitting these books...

Creating change to create creativity

Today was a rather good day, all in all, given I had to be at work by midnight and have to work a place I am not used to, nor do I enjoy, working at.  But today has been another step on the road to writing!  Today has been laden with change!

How could I let her go to school sleep deprived?  Ha!

I woke up and, oops, Katie is now late for school, so I call her doctor and get a note for her to miss today because she had a difficult weekend.  Katie had spent her vacation with my mother and father, since they are only in town from Florida once in a great while.  Well, Katie, not to miss out on anything that may have happened while she slept, decided it was a wonderful idea to stay up until midnight or 1am while visiting.  Great, so now I have a daughter who is so sleep deprived on Monday morning that she can hardly see straight.  So, she comes with me for the day and we run errands.  First, taxes.  We filed my taxes and, with smiles on our faces, went grocery shopping.  Well, as I am approaching the store I decide, split second, that I am not, in fact, going to continue buying the same horrible food I have always bought, but instead am going to buy foods that are healthier choices.  Katie and I bounce through the store in our new Sketchers "Shape-Ups" and proceed to buy apples, "Cuties", bananas, asparagus, mixed salads and some diet dinners for me to take to work, along with other random odds and ends for dinners and lunches and such.

We head home from the store and I want so bad to buy a big cheeseburger and fries on the way, but I pass by every fast food place I see, mouth watering for lunch.  Instead, I walk in the house, groceries in hand, look at Mike and proudly proclaim "I'm not eating junk any more, it's killing me." And with a smile on his face, he gets up and unpacks the groceries.  We talk about how great it is that we're changing, slowly but surely.  We talk about how, for the last 3 days, Mike's been eating healthy food at the house, but he didn't want to put pressure on me to switch to the same because I would, like always, eventually come around on my own.  And I did.  Very similar to when we quit smoking together for good over 2 years ago, it had to come to me being ready for it, and then it ends.

I'm the baby, gotta hold me!  Ha!

So, after the groceries are put away, I sit down and make myself a lunch of tortilla chips, salsa and a turkey sandwich.  It tastes like heaven!  And I don't feel horrible for eating it! 

I then start to look around the house.  Yes, it's in shambles because we've had a baby, but it's relatively clean.  I start to straighten up a bit.  Sammi cries.  I sit down and hold her.  So that didn't get accomplished today.  Okay, that's fine.  Where else can I make some change for the better happen?

Then it hits me!  I'm always in a rush for work at night, consequently, I am also frazzled for the rest of the night due to rushing.  So I pack a lunch and some snacks for me and put it in the fridge.  I pump (I'm breastfeeding Sammi, but she is bottle fed when I work) and then wash my pump and pack it up, and place it by the door.  Mike puts the laptop in my messenger bag and places it by my pump.  I lay out my work clothes.  I look at Mike and say "Okay, I have to sleep." and he agrees.  Wow!  This is the first Monday that I have ever slept before work!

I sleep from 7:30pm until 11:10pm.  Yes, I hit the snooze quite a bit.  I get up, take a hot shower, get dressed, grab my lunch, pump and bag and kiss Mike good bye.  It only took me 15 minutes to get a shower and get out the door...oh wow...

I'm at work by 11:55pm.  5 minutes early.  Not as early as I usually am, but normally I get my shower when I come home!

I'm elated!  I'm relaxed!  I'm at zero frazzlement!  This is good!  I am working better and my head is clear.  This change is really good for me!  Why didn't I do this sooner?

When you are open to inspiration...

...it can come to you from anywhere, and I mean, ANYWHERE!

The novel I am brainstorming on has a few twists and turns in it that I don't expect, nor want, the reader to anticipate.  So I won't divulge any information in a public forum.  For now, the ideas and thoughts and research specifics will remain within my leather bound book until I can gather it up and place it all into word.  But, I can say where I am pulling from without giving away too much.  Take today for example, and it's inspiration...

I am sitting in a history class that I am taking to complete my general education units for my degree.  Simple, yes?  Seems like no inspiration could come from here, right?  I said I wrote horror stories, if you recall.  Well, there I am in this seemingly meaningless little 3 hour and 5 minute class, when the book creeps into my mind.  I start thinking "Man, I really need a tie in for this..." or "I'd love to add some more detail and background to that..." when, all of the sudden, we start learning about Puritans, Protestants and Catholics.  My eyes immediately opened wide as the professor talked and I jotted down as fast as I could all that he was saying!  I couldn't write fast enough!  There were ties that I could lead with here and there, sprinkled all throughout his lecture!  Never mind that I should be more concerned with passing the quiz at the next class meeting, I have a book to write!  At the end of the class, it didn't even matter that I was running on 23 hours of no sleep and fumes, I had some more inspiration and jumping points, I had some divine guidance.  I wasn't going to go to class today...

How I became inspired, thank you Michael

My husband is a wonderful man, let me just say that right from the jump.  He listens to what I say and, with perfect timing, shows me just how much he listens to me.  Now, if you must know anything about me, know this, I am someone who is big on "inspiration".  What I mean is, I have to be inspired in order to do things.  If I'm going to clean house, I have to have some cleaning "inspiring" music playing.  If I'm going to work on homework, I have to have some homework inspiring snacks to munch on.  And if I'm going to write, I have to have something to write my ideas in that inspires my ideas. 

My husband never ceases to amaze me with his incredible listening skills.

About a month ago, we were laying in bed, just thinking and talking before going to bed and I ran down the story I had running through my head for a few years now.  I told him the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the tie ins, the references I wanted to make and he even helped me by contributing and bouncing ideas off me.  It was a fantastic way to go to sleep!

So, flash forward to Valentines Day...

It's been a horrible day for me.  I had to work that night at midnight to start a graveyard shift at work, I was stressed out because I had an exam the next day at school in my worst subject (math, argh!), Sammi (our 4 month old) decided that now would be a great time to go on a nursing strike, and Katie (our 10 year old) was having some issues at school with her friends and boys and, well, you get the picture.  On top of all that, I had my first "womanly visitor" start 3 days prior and it was my first one since Sammi was born, so it was horrible! I bought my husband 2 mylar balloons that said "I Love You" in ballooney letters and "Happy Valentines Day" on the other, I bought food for breakfast, grits, eggs, biscuits and fruit.  Hubby wasn't hungry.  So instead we cuddled in bed and talked.

Later that day he decided he wanted to go and "get something".  So he takes Katie and heads out, leaving me with Sammi and about 5 hours before I have to leave for work.  He comes back, and I'll admit, I was a little miffed because I should be getting some sleep before work, but he's trying to do something nice and I've gotten used to running on no sleep and fumes from Tuesday through Saturday, so I'll deal.  He bought our daughters gifts and gave them their gifts, then he hands me a bag.  It was cute because it was a silver bag (I hate gold) and he wrapped both my gifts the way I normally wrap gifts, with the tissue paper popping out of the bag, it was cute!  I opened the small one first on his request and it was an artist I had been listening to recently who is really my inspiration music right about now, Cee-Lo Green "Ladykiller".  YES!  And, after many thanks and kisses, I open the next one...

It is a leather bound journal, with a romanesque picture on front...it's so beautiful...it's so amazing...it's so inspiring!

He says "I think you need this because it will help you write down your ideas for your book.  I hope this helps you get your mind going.  Do you like it?"  I SO like it!  I love it!  Wow...I'm in shock almost...he listened and remembered...wow...  I have the worst memory when it comes to stuff like that, but, to him, it's like second nature.  I admire him for that, and I love him for that too! 

My family is very supportive, they are the reasons I go without sleep for days on end, they are why I work my butt off to work and go to school the way I do.  They are my support and my inspiration, and they are why I am starting this journey.